Blizzard Cannibalism Etiquette
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🚨Blizzard Cannibalism Etiquette 🍽. First, remain calm, there’s no reason to get emotional about this. That’s what the snow ❄️ wants. To get inside your head because: it’s alive, its sentient, and it can smell your fear. But we’ve got your back. To help settle any awkward arguments…
The following people are to be eaten first before eating anyone else:
People who add you to group chats that don’t involve you
People who say ‘Can I have a bit of that?’ when it’s already in their mouth
People who don’t return shopping carts
People who hate cyclists
People who talk ad nauseam about how busy they are
People who have a confusing job title
People who don’t thank you when you acknowledge they were in front of you at the bar
People who hate dogs
People who look at their phone when talking to someone in person
People who flake, and know they’re going to flake, but still leave it until the last minute to tell you they’re flaking
People who talk about work. All. The. Time.
People who use reply all in emails
People who turn up to parties with no booze
People who put the empty food or drink container back in the fridge
People who use protein shakers as water bottles
People who huff about people who walk slowly
People who don’t laugh and instead say, “That’s hilarious.”
People who demand trigger warnings
People who complain about trigger warnings
People who talk on the phone at the gym
Someone who have just taken drugs for the first time and won’t shut the fuck up about it
Anyone who asks for suggestions and then goes with their idea anyway
People who post selfies with captions that try to justify them taking the selfie
People who wake you up from a nap for no reason
People who stand too close to other people in line
People who tell you to listen to podcasts
People who post on event walls saying they can’t make it
TYPING IN ALL CAPS
Anyone starting a sentence with “no offense”
People who are not ready to order when you get to the counter
And finally, people who won’t shut up about their new diet. You know what Brenda? Our new diet is people, and we’re starting with you!
Now, remember to stay calm. There should be a book deal in this for all of us who survive, at the very least, a Netflix Documentary.

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