Consumer Alert: People of South Dakota, Beware Punxsutawney Phil’s Lies

Consumer Alert: People of South Dakota, beware of this rodent’s lies.
Punxsutawney Phil is the father of all lies, and speaking of father has had numerous torrid extramarital affairs. Also, you wouldn’t believe some of the racist things he’s said about Irish people in the foreign press.
Every loyal South Dakotan knows the only science-backed way to predict an early spring is via your local licensed Osteomancer. Not some hack Philly cheesesteak stained rodent.