Jim Jordan comes up short

A packaged Halloween costume by the brand "Spirit." The packaging features a label that reads "Speaker of the House." It is labeled as an "ADULT Size Costume" with a note stating "ONE SIZE FITS MOST." The costume itself is not visible, with most of the packaging being white and partially covered.

You know the saying, “Third time’s a charm?” Well, apparently they forgot to tell that to good old Jimmy boy, Rep. Jim Jordan from Ohio. He was all geared up, ready to put his name on top of the heap and snatch the title of Speaker of the House right after Rep. Kevin McCarthy (the one from California, in case you’re getting your McCarthys mixed up) was ousted a fortnight ago. They say when one door closes, another one opens. But in Jim’s case, that other door turned out to be a broom closet.

Picture this: Jim was poised, preening like a thoroughbred at the Kentucky Derby. He was all set to make the grand leap from conservative firebrand to Speaker. But alas, his numbers game seemed to have the mathematical accuracy of a third grader’s doodles. The Ohio Republican confirmed on Tuesday evening that he couldn’t quite coax enough Republican holdouts to tip the majority on the House floor in his favor. History, it seems, doesn’t have a place for those who fancy themselves “one-size-fits-all” solutions.

Now, let’s back up for a second. Jordan was actually the Republican party’s backup plan. Kind of like the Halloween candy you buy for trick-or-treaters but secretly hope they won’t come by, so you can devour it all yourself in a moment of justified solitude. That’s right, he stepped into the candidate spotlight after Rep. Steve Scalise, the GOP conference’s first choice, decided to bow out of the race last week. Just goes to show, the understudy doesn’t always get to have the final bow.

Anyone wonder why Jim’s not getting enough love from his fellow Republicans? Is it perhaps his unyielding alliance with former president Donald Trump that’s causing this case of political hiccups? We could speculate all day, but the fact is, Jordan’s bid to become the next Speaker of the House fell shorter than a garden gnome in high heels.

But don’t you worry about dear old Jim. Apparently, he’s not one to take a kneecapping lightly. News from his camp suggests he’s ready to go another round of voting when Wednesday rolls around. At least he’s got plenty of spirit, which ironically, could also be found in an “Adult Size Costume” labeled “Speaker of the House,” with a promising note that “One Size Fits Most.” But, as we’ve discovered, Jim’s “one size” apparently didn’t “fit most,” and for now, he’ll have to be content with being an “almost there” in the game of political musical chairs.

In the grand scheme of things, who really knows what’s in store for the future of the House? But the lesson here is clear as a prairie dawn: if you’re going to aim for the top, make sure you’ve got the numbers to back it up. Because in the ruthless world of politics, simply being “the next guy in line” doesn’t guarantee you a seat at the head of the table. Just ask Jim. Oh, wait… we can’t. He’s still in the broom closet, remember?

Jim Jordan comes up short
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