That Time a Mall Ninja Defeated US Special Forces


The podcast delves into an unusual altercation between a man in ninja attire wielding a sword and members of the U.S. Army Special Operations Unit in California. The incident, which prompted a scramble for safety and resulted in at least two injuries among the military personnel, is humorously contrasted with TV show simulations such as “Deadliest Warrior.” The program humorously scrutinizes the effectiveness of traditional ninjutsu against modern military training, eventually involving local law enforcement to subdue the assailant, identified as Gino Rivera. The discussion further meanders into comical tangents about contemporary cultural phenomena and errors in modern priority settings, inadvertently touching upon broader themes of competence and preparedness. Participants provide a satirical analysis linking the incident with broader themes of military expectations versus reality, the cultural impact of entertainment media, and societal shifts in identity and fashion. The podcast wraps up with speculative humor on historical and fictional comparisons of combat effectiveness, ultimately joking about the intersection of ancient martial arts and modern technology.


Let’s revisit the goings on as it relates to America’s top dogs. And by that, I mean the operators. What what’s going on in the world of special ops and the men, the hardened men of valor who make up America’s special forces? This is an NPR here. It’s this headline. A ninja with a sword assailed the U.S. Army Special Operations Unit in California. Well, I’m assuming that one guy with a sword against trained American special forces troops. I’m guessing that this was a very short conflict. They made quick work of him. Yeah. And then went back to the base to pound Bruce. Yeah, no. I mean, how quick did our boys deal with? Yeah, I’m going to say the over under here has got to be like 30 seconds. Yeah. At most. What I like about this news article is that finally, maybe for the first time ever, we get a real world instance that actually does test out the the theories and scenarios promulgated by my favorite history channel show. What is it? Ancient Warriors. Warrior versus warrior. That’s oh, deadliest warrior. Deadliest warrior. Right. Where they were like, who would win? You know, a pirate or or a gangster. And then IRA or the Taliban. IRA versus Taliban is the best episode I’ve ever seen. So this is. Yeah, that was man. That’s a good it’s a good memory. Who saw it was like taking taking our friends Adderall and drinking Bud Heavies and watching that show and arguing. Yeah, I just the fake data that they would have. It’s like we compiled all of these data points. Coolness of weapons. Well, clearly, there’s a huge advantage here on one side. And then they would just go to town on the ballistics dummies. Oh, man, that’s so funny. That was no, that was not fake. That was how fucking that you don’t know fucking anything about computers. It’s how Palantir started. So I still got the contract for that. I think of Deadliest Warrior is like the greatest gift that Nate Silver ever gave us, because that whole thing seems like an outgrowth of the the quantitative revolution where we’re going to use data to figure shit out and entertain the rubes. Yeah. You know how the clock’s been turning back lately? Oh, yeah. We’re back to Obama era. Yeah. We’re on our way to the to Bush, too. It’s it’s in that direction. Absolutely. Vox closed a vertical they had called Identities. God, that’s so funny. I did not. I saw this and I’m like, they had a fucking vertical called Identities. Yeah, they ran out of them. They did. We thought there were more than there. It turns out to be. We’re very sorry. They were like, well, they launched this one. They’re like, this is going to run and run. This bit has legs, boys. Yeah, we were in the lab trying to create some new identities. But we created ungodly creatures, unfit for human sight. We have to close the whole thing. It was just a bunch of Ripley clones. Kill my identity. Kill him. MGK and Megan Fox. That’s not that’s not a celebrity relationship in the past five years. No, no, no. That’s the most importantly. That’s a yeah, that’s Billy Bob. And and actually, absolutely, absolutely. Exactly. Most important thing. This is the most important thing probably in the world. The most important thing in the entire world. This is the barometer, the doomsday clock for how much in 2013 or so we are. The size of women’s hats is massive. We’re getting big again. Yeah. Every woman is wearing a hat that an overseer would wear. Not every woman like it hasn’t really hit New York yet, but it will. But in the cool part of Columbus, Ohio, those hats are big as fuck again. Desert boots for women have gone up 17000 percent. That’s why supply chains are fucked up. Too many women ordered desert boots and big hats and they sent a new special fast boat. And it just like it. It caused a tidal wave in its wake and it tipped over all the boats that had tipped over all the boats that have PS fives and milk in them. There are currently 15 Mersk container ships idling off the coast of California. All of them loaded to bear with sombreros for America’s women, which, you know, guess what? You’re not getting they’re not going to have Christmas is canceled. Christmas is ruined because the 10 gallon hats, sombreros and sort of a pith helmets that women have ordered for the holiday season are not going to arrive on time. Yeah. If you if you’re the women in your life, don’t get their spiritual gangster hoodie in time. There’s going to be several mass shootings done by women. All right. So like, yeah, back to back to deadliest warrior we’ve got. Yeah, I honestly which is coming back. Absolutely. I mean, it literally has in real life here. This is a this is this is this is a bout for the ages who would win in a fight Delta Force special operations soldiers or someone trained in the ancient art of ninjutsu. Let’s go to the tape. Let’s go to the tail. Let’s break down the tail of the tape. Reading from the article, it says begins, it seems unlikely, but it did happen. A man wearing full ninja garb attacked members of a U.S. Army special operations unit in the middle of the night in the California desert, setting off a scramble for safety and resulting in at least two injuries, according to police and other records. The incident occurred a little after 1 a.m. I mean, OK, if you know anything about ninjutsu, that’s what we call the ninja, the ninja in our. Yes, the karate hour is late. The karate hour is like 2 p.m. No karate. Karate. Saturday afternoon. Yeah, I was on the Friday hour is four to six after your parents pick you up from school. But before cello practice. Yeah. And you need friends for karate. Like you need an entire class where the homies really ninja hour after midnight and you’re alone. And let’s just say it’s it’s it’s it’s feudal era Japan. You were the natural born son of the shogunate, but he doesn’t have a male heir. So you you are essentially in line to take over the shogunate, but you are essentially a dishonorable character. You’re walking around your castle. You know, it’s the hour it’s late at night. One o’clock happens. You’re like, oh, fuck, you hear you hear a little gust of wind and then it’s already too late. The ninja are upon you. Yeah, it’s it’s done. You like you think you’re fine and you try to turn around to figure out what that noise was in your head falls off. Yep. So and then, yeah, US Special Army operations, they’re about to learn about the ninja in our it says when it occurred after 1 a.m. on September 18th, when authorities in Ridgecrest, California, got word got word of a sword wielding man dressed as a ninja on the loose at the Inyokern Airport in Kent County, north of Kern County, north of Los Angeles. Kern County Sheriff’s deputies found the suspect had assaulted a victim in this at the scene with a sword and thrown a rock through a hangar window, hitting an additional victim in the head, throwing a rock. I mean, usually, I mean, classically, the shuriken, the shuriken, the throwing stars. Yes, obviously. Well, he’s probably like saving those for later, because the problem with those is you throw up, you got like run over and get them again. It’s a little awkward. It says the attack came without any warning. I mean, it’s a ninja. That’s the whole point. I mean, it’s attacks without warning are their specialty. The victims are members of the 160th Special Operations Aviation Regiment or SOAR, according to Stars and Stripes newspaper, which states that the military personnel were at the airport as part of training exercises. The incident report quickly drew attention after it was posted on Instagram. It describes how a staff sergeant was smoking a late night cigarette near an airport hangar when an unknown person wearing full ninja garb approached him with a question. Do you know who I am? The man asked. The sergeant said he did not. Do you know where my family is? The man asked when the sergeant said he did not know the person in ninja garb began to slash at him with a katana sword, adding that the sergeant’s leg and phone were strong. He was literally on his phone. I guarantee you it was in his head. He was doing epic troop tic tacs. Yeah, no, he was he was doing the Delta Force shovel. Ray, when someone asks you where their family is, you tell them. Okay, so it says the sergeant ran, jumped the fence and reached the building where he joined others from his company as he and a captain locked the door and called 911. Wait a minute. Excuse me. They called the cops. They got they got some guys like three hundred and fifty pounds stuffed into a fucking uniform. Okay, I got sorry, sorry, sorry for the false advertising on this episode of Deadliest Warrior. We pitched it as Ninja versus Special Operations Commando. In fact, the episode is about Ninja versus local Kern County Sheriff’s Department. God damn it. What are we paying these assholes for? I look at their cheese. They are the special operations group doing training exercise. And they’re like, fuck, lock the door. Call 9-1-1, call 9-1-1. Literally, I could have done that. Do you know, like the job of Army Special Forces, their main thing that they’re supposed to do is they call it force multiplier. That’s the DOD term for it, that they go into countries and they train a regular militias. Is this what they’re telling them how to do? How to run away? Yeah, that was remember, most importantly, the Iraqi army fled Mosul. Yeah, it was like, oh, I wonder who told them how to do that. They’re like, most importantly, if you were observing standard Army protocol spent standard SOAR protocol when you were on when you were on maneuvers, you will already have your phone in your hand recording. So you just switch over to the phone feature and call for help. And I understand for some of you, talking to someone on the phone triggers anxiety so you can’t. Well, that’s how they make this selection from airborne. That’s the special forces school is. Can you call the pizza place and have no no apps on your phone? You have to get all your food through. And then they’ll stress test you because like they’ll invent a scenario where you call to order pizza and then they deliver like they deliver it to the wrong address. They deliver the wrong pizza. They’re like, no, it’s not over. You got to call him back. You got to complain. You got to get charges. Yeah. You have to stand up for yourself, Sergeant. Says here the assailant kicked and punched doors and windows, according to the report, which has redacted the service member’s name. Yeah, I wouldn’t want to blow the cover on that secret mission. The Ridgecrest Police Department blotter entry from that night says in a report came in at 1 19 a.m. of a suspect in a ninja outfit, complete with a sword at the in Yokern Airport. The report cites at least one victim more than 20 minutes after the initial contact. The blotter says a 911 call came from someone at the airport, saying 26 special operations military members were hunkered down in a hangar wondering where help is. You want help, dude? What the fuck? 26 of these guys and it’s one ninja banging on the door going, where’s my family? Where’s my family? Where is the shogun? It’s a legitimate natural born son from his court is on who is the heir to the Meiji Dynasty. So they. OK, they ran in terror and barricaded the door against one option that this guy is just schizophrenic. That’s possible. Or a time traveler. Those are the only two options. A time traveler who speaks English. I mean, OK, OK, well, OK, I think we know in Yokern Air Force Base what’s going on on there in one of those hangars. That’s where they hide. That’s where they house the loop jumping cube. Oh, yeah. And like, yeah, so something something came back. From a different loop. One thing is certain, the deadliest ninja of all. This incident has definitively resolved the debate over whether or not we should have dropped the nuclear bombs on Japan had to. That was the only thing we get to the home islands where the where the ninjas are. And it’s over. Douglas MacArthur, he’s just like puffing on his corncob pipe. He sort of feels what what initially is just feels like a like a sort of a cold, a cold wind across his throat. He just puffs and then like the corncob pipe just like splits in two and then following that his neck. OK, so 26 of them, I love it, hunkered, hunkered down in a hangar. We don’t know how many of them were being debilitated by Havana syndrome. I love the next event is the ninja did not obey deputies orders. Well, I love ideas. Who do you think you would? OK, I figure I found out who did what spec ops this was. I thought this was army spec ops. I was incorrect. This is this is they’re under army special forces command. But this isn’t like this special forces. It’s the 160th Special Operations Aviation Regiment. These are like their special operations helicopter pilots. These are like the flight attendants of the special forces. But they said but they have like they have to get like airborne certified and all this shit like they should be. This is still something they should be able to handle. You’d think I’ll tell you, I’ll tell you who’s taking the biggest L from this whole story, the Taliban. They’re like, fuck, it took us 20 years to kick these assholes out of. Yeah, all they had to do is just run at them. That’s all it takes. And they just fold. Let’s see here. This is like this. Yeah, this is Uzi running up on Rich the Kid at the Starbucks. But if there were like 50 of Rich, the kids says your police official police officers located the ninja suspect on a nearby road. But the man refused to follow commands and brandished the sword at deputies. I’m out of ideas. Projectile rounds were used but were ineffective. It added. Yeah. Oh, he was he was fucking he was snapping out of the air. He was. He was doing the blade deflect. Yeah, he was cutting them in half. The bullets are all just bisected, littering the ground around him. This guy’s awesome. He’s pretty cool. The man really need a job, should fire all these assholes to just have him do it. What kind of a budget would you need just to have this guy? You’d need to just pay him. I don’t know how what scale for a ninja. I think they’re in WGA West. All you need to do is you need to give them some of that the Japanese mayonnaise, like a tub of it a week and a crunchy roll subscription and you’re good. That’s nothing. That’s not even a thousand dollars a year. Yeah, it’s easy. I just freed up 700 billion dollars from the US budget annually. It says the projectile rounds were ineffective. But when when deputies used a taser on him, he dropped the sword and deputies were able to take him into custody. He was identified as Gino Rivera. Thirty five. He’s Steven Seagal’s character from Alfred Justice. Gino, Gino, the deadliest ninja of all time. Gino, I you know, everyone thought Italian. They thought a guy who’s in the ninjutsu branch of the mafia, obviously like Seagal. But this appears to be a Chicano. Maybe. I don’t really know. But maybe it says here Rivera was arrested for attempted homicide. Assault with a deadly weapon, brandishing a weapon with the intent to resist or prevent arrest, along with vandalism and obstructing or delaying a peace officer in the performance of their duties. The sheriff’s office said both the sergeant and the captain required stitches for their wounds, but were cleared to return to duty. The report says the 160th soars. Missions include helicopters to insert Navy SEALs and other special operators. It trains for night missions, and some of its operations take place under cover of darkness or very early in the morning. The soldiers at Indio Kern were attached to the regiment’s second battalion, which uses Chinook and Blackhawk assault helicopters, as well as Gray Eagle drones. The battalion is based at Fort Campbell, Kentucky. So they should not. Warrior, the entire army source special operations helicopter brigade versus one guy with a ninja sword, one guy with a ninja sword. The clear victor. Well, the only thing that can be defeated Katana is a taser. So the real winner, the real deadliest warrior is the diabetic deputy sheriff. But only with a taser. I mean, that’s kind of the first thing you learn in eighth grade biology. The ninja’s weakness is electricity. They hate it because the electricity made it so it’s you can illuminate the dark. That’s true. That’s the biggest and the age of electricity is what brought the end of the age of the ninja. That was it. Yeah. No, that’s why New York is kind of the safest city in the world. Yeah, it’s always illuminated. I love it. We have dealt with. When is Paris ever been attacked by ninjas? The city of lights? Never. That’s them. That’s them. It’s like saying it’s when you announce you’ve bought a new ICBM. It’s like, don’t fuck with us. Yeah. There’s so many lights. Many cities the world over have through prudent public policy dealt with the ninja problem. But these guys who they’re like, oh, the dark’s our friend because we fly scary helicopters when it’s dark out. No, not really. Yeah. You’ve been you’ve been dark helicopter guys for maybe 30 years. They only adopted the darkness. He was born into it. But you could even say molded by it. Exactly. These special operations helicopter pilots. Yeah, they train to fly helicopters at night using night vision. The ninja also utilizes night vision, but they’re called his eyes. Exactly. No rules, no safety, no mercy. It’s a duel to the death to decide who is the deadliest warrior.

That Time a Mall Ninja Defeated US Special Forces

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